Where is God when the pain really hurts? R.E.S.T.

Two months ago they found something in my left breast, without expecting for such findings because totally there was nothing I felt. I’m not even to take some serious shots with my breast because my real intention that time was to address my lungs issues. So when I received the results of my lung examination tests I saw other findings about my left breast. As consulted with my very kindhearted doctor she recommended for a breast ultrasound which I refused.  During that time my focus was my lungs, setting aside serious treatment with the breast thing. At the back of my mind it’s just a soft tissue in my breast nothing to worry about because it could be just some baby fats around and medicines can take control melting it.  To cut the long story short, after my lung medication, other symptoms started to arise in my body.  Felt dizziness most of the time, an out balance in my body, frequent body aches  , bone ache  and headaches.  Because all I thought it’s normal to feel things that way, in the middle of my final season of the semester in school. Facing different sleepless nights and stress to finish my school task allows me to sleep late in the morning already, with such a busy mode my focus is to just finish everything because being a graduating student is real.

It was the days of my Birthday that things get worsen enough in my body. I felt something’s wrong in my left neck; experiencing late night chills, fever,body and head pains at night. I clearly remember how my body would scream in pain those nights and all I can do is ask the Lord to help me out.

Next day, immediately set an appointment with my doctor that day because I felt two lumps as big as marble on my both left and right lower neck. Observing myself in the mirror I noticed that my jaws are not proportion, so I started to touch my left neck and yes, totally a painful touch of a big scattered swollen parts. So I met my doctor finally and we end up by having two findings.  It could be a mumps but the location was totally hilarious and another thing to consider is the Lyhmpagnitis, knowing that I also have another two big lumps in both sides of my neck added by the soft tissue seen in my left breast.  So I took medication and started considering taking a deeper actions with my breast because seriously the breast and the neck are connected to one another.

I choose to calm down and surrender my thoughts to the Lord. Whether Lymphoma, Tumor or Cancer, my heart is secured in Jesus Christ. Even before I went to the doctor the Lord talked to me already that He is to give me a sickness and my respond is to find REST in Him alone. So I kept silent about my fight, resting on Jesus alone. Shared my journey with few people close to me – my parents , my sister , some of my closest sister in Christ and my Faith Group Leader . They encourage me to be stronger and trust Jesus that He is able to do impossible things.

As the medication journey begins there are still pains in my body, my neck squeezing me in pain and my head ache started to get worse. With such situation I learned to yield myself before God. Those  nights I would asked God where he is in my painful nights and does he truly care for me  are still clear in my mind.

Accepting that I am weak and not in control over my life, at that point- lingering in my thoughts and emotions – dealing with my physical pain, I stared upon a book given to me by a special friend and started reading the book by Ardy Roberto entitled- “The Heart of Healing”. By reading that book the Lord began to speak and made me realize that my Abba Father is also my great Physician. I started to process things before Him and acknowledge resting upon Him in FAITH.  The one word he has given me is REST and I put corresponding reminders on each letters allowing me to remain strong and firm.

                                                                                                                                                                   

 R. E. S. T.

 

     Remind yourself that He is FAITHFUL

Examine your heart.  Exhale the bad thoughts and Inhale  His goodness

 Simply rely and rest on His unchanging LOVE

Thankful heart towards the constant Abba Father

____________________________________________________________________________________________

 

I keep myself on the attitude of REST- everyday I’m tired of experiencing pains, dealing with the struggle in drinking medicines and side effects I would always recite those things and remain in Him. I knew from the start that He will never leave me nor forsake me. He might be so quiet but as the saying goes “The teacher is quiet during exams or test.”

After pondering I step out and started to take decision to get several test. To confirm things if Cancer, Lymphoma or Tumor.  As I began to undergo such tests I put my REST mode in Jesus, whatever the results might bring me, His name to be praised forever.

So the day finally came and the results are out.  And here you go now girl . . . .  . NEGATIVE – is the first word in the diagnosis paper  Praise God! No soft tissue seen in my left  and right breast  and no signs of any cancerous marbles in my  neck, I believed something called miracle happened to me.  I can finally breathe clearly hahaha… with such a big relief it was. If you can see my face how bright it was when I shared the news to those people who prayed with me and shared some love in my journey.

Although the findings of my other test result leads to another journey in my ovaries but as the Lord leads me to REST and  that will always be.  I pictured myself in the palm of God resting on Him in the middle of my pains and He is always at my side developing and protecting me. I’m not scared with the new findings because Jesus won it all at the cross. By His stripes I and you are healed. And in our painful times he seems quiet but His ways are higher than ours because all things work together for our good for those who put trust in Him.

Maybe you can’t believe about all this because despite of my journey of pain I still projected an Audrey kind of way and only few may notice something’s wrong.  Others may find me more apart that’s because I am quiet and not feeling better.  And maybe you just come across this entry and in your head a whisper saying “Why? Do I care?”  all I can say is Yes …you must care, because there are  more people around you who chose to keep quiet in life’s journey  that  totally needs some hug, love, support , prayer  or encouragement. Never set them aside instead be a blessing to them. We are created blessed to bless others by our best of appreciation, love and care.  A simple “how can I pray for you?” can be a good start to help a friend and make a difference in her journey.  A person who truly cares is a real treasure in life and can be considered a heavenly sent people. So let’s spread the love of Jesus by caring and sharing our best adventures.    To those  I never tap  to  share my struggles back then , I apologize  if  I  close my heart to share this journey before.   Just like others who keep quiet in a journey they may also have an excuse to open up just like mine, but it’s also by the Grace of God that someone brave enough shared her love, encouragement, prayer and care to me despite of my excuses .That’s why I began to open my heart to other people and started sharing what is really going on in me.  So here it is the whole story of that journey I hide before but now sharing to you. My journey with Lyhmpagnitis has come to an end but my journey with Jesus is not yet done.  My journey in touching those hearts that refuse to express and fill the mind and hearts with excuses is just starting. Be part of making this world a place of love and be a thankful servant after Gods own  heart. Sharing how faithful Jesus in our lives by making Him known and allowing others to experience the love of God. Let His power be displayed and miracles work! Glory is all yours Abba Father !

Psalm 71 NIV

¹ In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame.
² In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
    turn your ear to me and save me.
³ Be my rock of refuge,
    to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
⁴ Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

⁵ For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.
⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.
⁷ I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.
⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
¹¹ They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
¹² Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

¹⁴ As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.
¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
¹⁷ Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

¹⁹ Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?
²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
²¹ You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

²² I will praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
    Holy One of Israel.
²³ My lips will shout for joy
    when I sing praise to you—
    I whom you have delivered.
²⁴ My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
    all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
    have been put to shame and confusion.

 

To the one who moves my mountains

I wrote a special  letter to the one who deserves praises far beyond everything. Sharing what He has done and believing things won’t stop from here  but  reach your mountains as well . Just like how he moves my mountains , so as in you.

John 3:33

“He who has received His testimony has set his seal to this, that God is true.”

My Abba Father,

 

I was left alone in the middle of that narrow road. Looking around with nothing to see but darkness- and a far beyond light ahead of me.  Searching how to escape from that mountain  pit nothing was left in my hands but a jar of faith . I clearly remembered  how that jar was –  able to surpass being taken away  by  a wolf and redeemed by the lion. How that jar remained strong and firm through the entire journey in the mountain. You are the one who protected that  jar from falling apart in the rocky roads , you have been the water source of that  jar  to cleanse every dirt from the mud, you give stillness inside that  jar in the midst of the unbreakable storm and most of all you breathe out life in that  jar to  survive.

 

Right  from the start, you sit beside me  as  I look upon the sky. Kneeling in petition  not to run away  but to  be still. Take what is about and restore what is left undone. You’re the one who replenish my hunger and thirst . Found  contentment alone on what is far more beautiful than any other. It was the moment you breathe life in me again ; captivated by your love ,once been  a slave of fear  but now free.

 

No one else has been there through it all but you.  My omnipresent helps in times of need, my defender and shield . You have  witnessed those unexplainable circumstances I have to fight and face  just to accomplish what you have said you will do.  At the peak of my emotions you rebuke me with love and kindness. How can I forget that time you torn down all the walls to bring out  hope. And then when the time has come to acknowledge the surrendering process, you never failed to reveal who you are in me and who  am I  in you. Your beloved.

 

When fear started to arise inside of me ,you stood right by my side and hold my thoughts . I found rest in you. I searched peace from your heart. I received gladness that came from you alone.  Because you’re the one that really matters. The moment I felt so close  and hard to  breathe it was you who put His loving arms around me. I can’t help but scream how you made me whole again. After all it was your presence assuring me through every hurt in the midst of a storm you’ll be there. In every triumph you are the first one to be more than proud. Rejoicing  in everything, it was you who taught me to be brave and keep the FAITH.

 

Thank you , thank you for  the ways  you fight for me. Revive and restore every part of me for my heart beat is yours alone.  For always bringing  me back to victory. Jesus, you have won my heart over and over again .  And now  allowing  your healing touch surrounds  and works within me, nothing is  left inside  but  an open heart . As the rocks are falling, breaking every chain and rebuilding  a new fountain .I  have nothing to boast  but the life you have given me  now.

 

Your precious stone,

The Girl who broke the Alabaster Jar

When It’s Okay Not To Be Okay

Have you ever questioned yourself why there are pains in this life?  Or maybe you felt unjustified by a specific issue? How can you respond perfectly well if totally you yourself are not okay? It was a very roller coaster ride of life, wherein I found myself not really okay, but trying to be. Those nights I look upon the sky at night and whisper in the air “Is there any justice in this life?” I was blinded looking for justice in this world and putting things and ways in my hand that I almost forgot to look up the sky higher than mine. Knowing there is a God who gives justice to His people who are suffering.

People say that in life there are truly sufferings, trials, test and troubles but we must respond in a positive way. Remember there is nothing wrong in having a positive kind of thinking; we should be positive in all ways, but in this world do we give space for people to lament? Do we allow them to express themselves that they are not okay?

Ordinary people may find me weird but whenever I’m not okay, I always bring my cares and burdens upon God, because I am afraid that people will judge me for who am I and what I’ve done. I always keep it to myself whenever I am not okay. I project a wonderful smile to people every day, help them, love them but deep inside a broken heart of being bold and honest.

Meet You In My Dreams

 

Late at night ,  busy doing my  remaining five baskets of  laundry  my phone rang, I tried to ignore the call but suddenly you came to my mind . So I rushed coming down from the second floor, to my surprise there you are, your name was flashed on my phone screen.  My heart started to beat fast and I don’t know what to do. I missed a call from you, you don’t usually give a call and seeing that phone call record my heart was really surprised. Standing at my feet holding my phone I was seeing you; standing in front of my house holding a bag of our favorite on –the-go food with our favorite milk shake drink. With your car parked at the back of mine, you opened your car trunk surprised me with a big arrangement of my favorite balloons and hand me my favorite cookie.  I can’t ask for more, you never fail when it comes to surprises. You never forget to put a smile on my face and hug me tight closer to your arms and feeling the beat of your heart and mine. I always remind myself those times how lucky I am to have someone like you whose heart was full of love and compassion ,but I have to deal with it’s just a dream after all.

I have to face the reality that there was never an us now, I have to tell myself not to think of you anymore because every time I would , tears in my eyes and to my heart is always present . I have to give up all our dreams and promises to each other leaving those behind with a broken heart, but what remains are those memories we’ve shared.  The photographs that are developed thru our hearts ,those conversations at night being locked in my head ,those late night drives we used  to do together are being fueled by our connections and those timeless and treasured I love you we used to say to one another.

How can I move forward if your name was still carved inside my heart, no stone even water can soften but only your word of saying “can we talk?” I’m still walking tonight in this river bank whispering someday will go back here and settle things to be right. I won’t and I don’t hold any grudges towards you after all we have been through but a heart willing to accept you and understand for whom you are.  I’m waiting and even when seasons can’t bare I will still  wait for that time of healing . Tonight I look upon those stars  in the night , someday somewhere our paths would cross again you know my name.

Let It Be

 

My mind contains some questions. Wherein there are thoughts that   I want to know; the purpose of every pain, the goal of each challenges and the reason for every trials. I want to know everything that is going on in my life. I want to know where things will bring me and where am I heading too. Why such pain keeps visiting my life; questions me every time. Looking for answers, I put everything on my hand just to answer all my questions, but I was wrong after all.

I took a break from everything , I set my heart on  God alone  during those days I don’t feel any better good in my life .  In the middle of life’s testing of faith and struggles I choose to find Jesus in my dark moments and low lights.

I asked God to remove my pain many times but GRACE Is all I need. I kept reminding myself that His ways are higher than my own. That there are things and struggles happening , I may not find a concrete answer or explanation from Him  but soon I will understand His own reason for allowing things as it be.

In life He allows us to suffer for us to learn to depend on Him more.  To seek Him in spirit and truth. So that His Glory and name will be lifted up. The greatest pains can be our stepping stone for His greater calling. We may not find any reason to be thankful in the midst of the storms we must rejoice in all circumstances. One day ,all these mess will turn out  to be God’s masterpiece.

 

Today I’m learning to let things as it is. I found myself not to question His ways. Not to question all the pain inside. Resist  the enemy of  doubt .    Instead I  learned  to be still in Him. I Learn  to trust God in all things. Allow Him to move over my life, correct my heart, realign my inner thoughts and restore my faith.  I’m learning to thank Him in all hardships and testing for I know someday it can benefit others. Encourage someone who will undergo the same as mine makes all the difference .

Every day I face things as what God wants.  Believing that He is the one in-charge over my pain to make me COMPLETE . For I choose to STEADY  my heart in unison to the beat of His .  Able to stand STRONG  in my faith knowing  His  better plans for me.  And as He keeps moving the mountains of my life I found a FIRM foundation in Him.

Pause

Past few days I’m preoccupied by so many works from school. I’ve been caught up in the middle of school stress because it’s almost finals week plus an emotional stress kind of feeling.

I have emotional issues within myself towards other people. They may not know it yet, but yes I’m a person who is so emotional. My love language are touch and quality time. I love people who loves me and appreciates me more than most. Those people who spent so much one on one time with me like: dates, heart to heart talks, conversational walks , sit with me and just talk about life.

Months ago I feel  out-of-place by a set of group , knowing myself I wasn’t like that. I don’t easily get jealous by anyone but I don’t know why I get jealous. I tend to ask God why, and God seems so silent about it. So I go on with my life…and then again the feeling keeps on coming  back. I thought I was pretty okay but as days goes by it goes deeper and deeper with my emotions.  I even felt that no one loves me in this world,that people does  have favoritism . I even doubted to God if He does really hears my prayers and cry at night  . Because I have no one to share about my fights I found my self depress and hot-tempered most of the time.

Until one day I found myself crying at the corner  of my bed asking God why is this feeling of jealousy  keeps bothering me. As I face my final week for school , the feeling  still bothers me but because studies are more important I focus myself first in finishing my requirements .  Now that the school is  mostly over I decided to deal my self this time. I’ve been doing good in school and now it’s time for me to deal my emotions and feelings. As I pray and ponder how can I help my self to be okay I decided to  have my “SELAH” moment with God. Just so you know selah is a word that can be associated with PAUSE. Having a selah moment is a time wherein you put your focus on the things God wants you to think about . You allow to pause and let God have the full authority in your life. You spend time to meet God and allowing yourself to be more open to Him.

At this point I’m about to set my heart , emotions, spirit , mind and soul in a selah moment with God. I want to put an end to my jealousy issue within myself and put a stop in my  bad emotions. I wanted God to be the one to help me deal with my self. Even though in this process He seems to be so silent but I believe when God is silent He is up to something for me. I love people who are dear to me , I love helping them , being their companion, the listener kind of friend, the food buddy kind of classmates and an encouragement type of believer  but before those things I must first help my self to be right with God . To be Holy and sanctified follower of Christ who aims to be more Christ-like everyday of my life.

I came across to this verse that I still keep on holding on for His promises endures in my life.

Psalm 46:1-9 

King James Version (KJV)

46 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

² Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

³ Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

⁴ There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.

⁵ God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

⁶ The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.

⁷ The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

⁸ Come, behold the works of the Lord, what desolations he hath made in the earth.

⁹ He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.

Because in the end of the day you are the rock of my life. He remains the faithful and constant God I have in my life. The one who will never forsake His children  for we belong to you.